Wednesday, October 12, 2011

College Essay

A. why i chose this essay over all my others is that this is the one i can really relate to. this is the most recent thing that has changed my life and also how many people do you know helped out on a t.v. 
show and be one of only thousands that has gave there own time to change others life.


B. What i think this essay does well or effectively is that it shows how i feel about this topic and how one thing can change your life forever.


C. What i think my essay can use is better vocab and a strong word and sentence structure.


D. After reading this essay does this point me out from other people?


It all starts when you get into high school, the teacher, parents, and your peers always ask you some type of form of this question, “ Can you make a difference in this world, if so what will you do”. This is a very difficult question for me to answer. What we first have to say is how can you make a difference in this world? What does it mean a big difference? For me with life is that if you can just change the world for a couple of people.

In my senior I helped out on a TV show called Extreme Makeover Home Edition, which is helping families in need that are struggling due to family problems or something deathly. With the family that I helped out was a family that one of her sons had committed suicide due to bulling from his peers. When I was there i helped out in the interior of the house. My dad and I and his boss were asked to help out and donate some of there products. So when I was asked to help them out unloading and helping bring the material into the house I was not going to hesitate. I helped out for 6 hours with putting the walls up. Sheet-rocking was something that I helped out in and you get down and dirty with white soot all over your face like you just dumped a gallon of paint all over your body and face.

The people that I met at this house wanted to make a difference no matter if it was. If they had to close there own business and use there own workers for free it was not a problem. They wanted to do this for a reason. This may be for free but you get more out of this experience then what you came in here. I also met the family, when you seen there faces right in front of you it makes you think about everything that you have done. You also think of everything that they lost and how hard it was to lose a family member. This makes me think that I made a difference in this life for these people. Life is hard and life is troubling and no matter what there will always be people who want to help out.

So when teachers ask me what I did the made the world a better place I always think of this. I know I only may of helped out for 6 hours but during that time it made me think that with only a little time you can make a big change in just a small world. I will always remember this and helping out with this family. This experience and there look on their faces will always be engraved in my time for eternity.

2 comments:

  1. I see a specific example of a person answering the call of his society, when it is in need.

    I think that some basic editing and revision will make the sentences stronger, more clear, and more coherent. I would like to see more examples of the author answering the question "Can you make a difference in this world, if so what will you do?", more description and imagery of rebuilding the house, or more description of the family.

    I think that more revision and concrete description of what exactly you did at Extreme Makeover would make you stand out more. "What did you do?" "What did it look like before, after?" "What did it sound like? Look like?"

    Overall, I think the topic choice is perfect for demonstrating how you helped change another person's life in a big way.

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  2. I see a conscientious young man interested in making a positive difference. One suggestion would be to craft a present-action scene at the beginning of your essay that could describe the work you did at Extreme Makeover. Then, reflect on what that experience meant to you, similarly to what we saw in one of the sample college essays about the girl who volunteered at the nursing home.

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